Monday, March 31, 2008

went back to work 2days~ already pretty emo early in de morning le. maybe coz was listening to some sad songs on de way to work ba. was working wif wei qi or richei de whole afternoon. at least he's a much more outgoing guy den wei xing obviously. also told him a lot of my stuffs. end up crying in DR. joel's room. maybe their advises are not dat useful but definitely i appreciated them for being there for me. i decided le i dun wana go emo 2moro, at least for one day coz i realli wana enjoy 2moro's outing! ohya! finally talked to mei mei le although it's jus in msn. afterall it's still her who cheered my day up le. mei mei, thanks for being there for me. if there wasn't you today, i guess i will ki siao le ba. i noe you guys had been trying veri hard to cheer me up and xin tong to see me like dis. i also wana find back my smiles and now i can only promise them dat i'll try my best. realli appreciate wat they had done for me and de support they had given me. they rocks and brighten up my life~
i'm still waiting for an answer~

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@5:36 PM.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

nowadays dun feel like talking to alvin. i dun noe why too. we are always endless topic for us but now? de distance between us like getting further and further le~ perhaps he's also stressed up by his studies ba. had a stupid bet wif wei li! omg! how stupid can i get to bet wif him ar! i'm gonna lose dis time round le! gotta treat him a meal liao. okie although i'm not working for de next whole 1 week, my schedule is fully drawn up for next week le! haha! soo excited for next week! had been reading up those posts for de past few months or exactly for de past 12 months ba. tears coming out again. realised dat mostly de posts all got him. i missed calling him darling, dear dear. i missed telling him how much he means to me, how much i love him. should i wait?! even a guy worser den X de also went back to ahpeg's side le. dis makes me wonder should i wait for his return ma?! many had been telling me don't be soo silly le but i serious dun noe wat's my heart thinking. soo contradicting~ wat should i do?! follow my heart ma?! but i dun even noe wat's my heart thinking ar! can someone tell me wat should i do?!
i jus wana be myself for once can?

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@6:00 PM.

Friday, March 28, 2008

today is offically my last day le. hais~ good things always come to an end soo fast. )= although i'm still going back to work on monday, de girls won't be around le. managed to take photos wif some of de doctors after work! haha! had a lot of fun! also took photo wif de trainee doctors, wei li and ah-hong last minute~ lol! gonna miss de days at polyclinic! looking forward to tuesday and wednesday~!
have trust in me yea?

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@6:39 PM.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

work was quite smooth today except dat a girl came to report for work today was attached to me. reason being, i'm de most senior le. lol! i'm not dat old yea?! had a short chat wif those trainee doctors again. haha! simply love de way they speak~ lol! okie 4 guys came for interview today~ one of them gonna attached to me too again. i like teacher to all new comers leh. aiyo~ btw, monday is gonna be my real real final last day le. hais~ kinda miss dis job le. although there are sour days, de people are soo kind there. gonna give de doctors, HA and clerks some small present on tuesday. i'm gonna miss them alot alot coz they are nice people!
de trust is still there.
boy, after talking things out, i den realised i had not been understanding you much either but you jus kept quiet about it. i didn't realise dat you were facing problems too and yet i often had to bother you about my problems. i'm realli glad dat you realised ur mistakes and dat you are willing to be dat alvin whom i knew! my trust for you is still there yea?! thanks for willing to turn back to de alvin i knew coz i realli treasure de friendship wif you a lot. you jus mean soo much to me jus dat you never realise. i promise you i'll stay by ur side too de yea jus like how you stood beside me during my darkest period and gave me support. i will not leave you alone to face all de stress all by urself. jus believe dat things will get better for us de ya?! we will not drift de i promise coz i'm ur most loyal listener! is love gonna blossom in us?! let time prove everything ba?!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@8:19 PM.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

my day was okie okie ba. had a quarrel wif him. lol! 2day got another group of NUS trainee doctors again~ it's NUS again~ had some nice chats wif 2 of them in DR. joel's room. found out a secret of him le. haha! think my days at polyclinic are getting more and more fun ba? 2day, ahbet and me had some clashes wif cq when it's not even our fault? her unreasonable is getting from bad to worse le. anyway my last day also coming soon le soo heck care her too~ she better dun step on my tail dis week or else dis time i will step back her painfully. had enough of her le! btw, had a date wif ahbet they all to go clubbing soon~ coz i'm de smallest amongst de girls soo we can only go underage party. but i think dis's all enough for me le. jus wana go shake all my troubles off~ had a date wif birthday girl, shar too next wednesday! i'll be meeting her le! finally~! miss her and my qing ai de meimei like siao! gonna catch up times wif them!
he still lives in my heart.
boy, i noe you had de interest of my heart but it isn't easy to forget him you noe ma?! it's jus like you forcing me to give you an answer. in de eyes of everybody, he might had done me wrong but i can't put myself to hate him. yes, i admit i'm still thinking of him, but dat's coz my love for him was once soo deeply. de pain inside, who noes?! i'm not a girl who can let go of a relationship soo easily. i believe if i am such a girl, den dat's not dat jessica you love le. i noe dat you are trying veri hard to make me see de truth but den have you ever thought of my feelings?! have you ever put urself in my shoes?! no, you didn't and dis's wat dat hurts me de most too. i thought dat you would understand wat i'm going through now but now it seems like i'm wrong again le. wat's soo different between you and dat NUS guy?! both of you are de same, all forcing me to give you all an answer. is an answer soo important to you guys?! you said you will give me time de but dis promise is broken. it's merely a month when we broke up and you are expecting me to forget about him?! isn't it something too far-fetched for me?! or is it you are getting impatient le neh?! i realli appreciate you for always standing by my side and giving me support. ur jokes are always de ones dat can cheer my day up. ur accompany made me felt warm inside. i realli miss those days when we can laugh and talk about all things round. where have those days gone le?!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@5:46 PM.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

2moro gonna be shar's birthday but i can't celebrate for her coz i'm working. hais~ never mind think gonna celebrate wif her next monday ba? ohya! DR. merlvin is back le! haha! gave chocolates to me! my favourite chocolates somemore! my days at polyclinic become more lively wif him around coz he's de only doctor i'm most comfortable communicating wif le. he's a nice and friendly doctor! changed blogsong again. think dis song suits my mood de best now le ba? actually wana put jay chou de cai hong want but think dis song more suitable. i'm still de same, emo-ing. i zhen de wana cheer up and be dat happi and cheerful jessica all of you knew but till today i'm only jus forcing myself to smile. although those cryings are starting to subside, de pain is still there. perhaps i need more time ba. sometimes i jus feel like crying all out loud like nobody's business but i couldn't find a suitable shoulder. i noe i can go find him and he'll be always willing to lend me his shoulders but i dun wana give him de wrong idea again. i scared dat when i see shar i will breakdown. i dun noe. jus feel dat she will understand me and wat i'm going through now de most. i realli put an end to all these emo-ings but it's difficult. for dis one year, my life became more colourful coz of him. my life had revolved around him. he used to be my pillar of support. i miss him. i realli miss him a lot. seriously, i never stop missing him ever since we broke up.
is dis fate i'm destined to have?
of coz i noe a chance is wat you want but it's soo unfair to you if i were to give you dis chance now. he still lies in my heart. i can still feel his presence in my heart. surely you wouldn't want me to be still thinking of him while i'm wif you right?! i'm sorri to break my promise to you again. perhaps i'm being cruel to you now but i jus dun wana leave down anymore regrets. i want you have a clean and clear jessica by ur side, and not a jessica who is still thinking of X. i can only thanks you for being by my side when my life turned drastically. ur shoulders are always soo approachable. ur advises and comforts never fail to reach me. you are a great guy and i'm glad to have you by my side. i admit dat i had once neglected you. you were jus by side but i didn't realised it coz i was blinded by love at dat time. i give no excuse for dat. but for now, you are the best person i can confide to coz you are de only guy i can trust now. i think i will never ever find another such a patient guy like you le ba? honestly speaking, i'm realli shocked by ur patience towards me all these while. i noe i had been thinking and behaving stubbornly all these while which made you feel frustrated. however, you did not give up on me. you made me feel dat i'm not fighting dis battle alone. dis is wat dat touches me de most too. i would say i would only give you dat chance when i have realli put X aside of my life. if true love realli lies in us, time will prove everything. forgive me for not being able to tell you all these stuffs face to face coz i'm guilty for not treating you back de same way you are treating me now.

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@5:50 PM.

Monday, March 24, 2008

today dun noe for wat reason i'm feeling soo happi at work. somemore still created a song for mango! lol! perhaps dat's realli me when i'm work ba. i dun noe i zhen de dun noe when is de real me and when is de fake me. i can be happi at once and turn emo at de next moment. can someone tell me wat's happening to me?! i realli wana noe wat's happening to me nowadays. ohya my last day is dis coming friday le. soo fast time realli flies~ i had been working at geylang polyclinic for around 3 months le?! gonna miss all de doctors and nurses over there. i still remember when we jus started de survey de time, mostly veri unfriendly to us. but now, they are soo friendly towards us. they will auto offer us their help. i will miss de most should be kaka, aw yang jie jie, DR. laura, melvin, dua cock dai and kua shiin yii le ba! seriously, i never regret working there. although there were times when conflict arise and i thought of giving up, these were de people who will cheer up my day indeed! i will not forget de times i had spent in dis polyclinic and dat wat i had learnt through dis working experience.
it jus keep haunting me~

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@7:51 PM.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

hais~ another emo day for me again. i wonder how many emo days am i going to have?! how long is dis nightmare gonna haunt me on?! i'm realli veri tired le!!! i'm mentally exhuasted!!! can someone please lead me out of dis misery!!! i have to put on a fake smile to work and i'm tired le!!! i zhen de dun noe how long can i hang on to. sometimes i realli wana give up but there are still a lot of things i can't let go. my family, my friends. i noe they will always be there for me but den i realli dun wana them to make them worry. someone told me something. he can happily get back to his previous girlfriend jus 3 days after both of you break soo why must you be de one be tearing and suffering deep inside all by urself?! you are suffering all these alone while he's happily enjoying his time wif his new girlfriend. he must have found back his feelings for her when he was still wif you and dis means he's being unfaithful to you in de first place soo why must you be sad?! he had betrayed dis relationship in de first place. he must have mentally prepared himself for de break long ago le dat's why he seems okie after de break soo why are you still thinking of such people?! i have no answers to all these questions. everyone had been telling me it isn't my fault but i can't control myself to blame myself for wat had happened. wat i clearly noe is dat i realli loved him wif all my heart and why is he treating back like dis?! he wanted freedom and i gave le but is dis wat i derserve?! had i realli done wrong as his girfriend?! am i realli not a good girlfriend?!
iwanastarteverythingalloveragain. can i?

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@8:29 PM.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

gotton dis from a blog. veri meaningful indeed. wat is love? and how do you noe when you are experiencing dis complicated emotion? when you see de one whom you like, ur heart skips a jump and you feel elated, is dis love? or is it simply infatuation? it's not possible to say dat you truly "love" someone, coz wat you might be experiencing could just be infatuation. and furthermore, love is not one-sided. therefore, when you have a crush on someone and like them secretly, it's not love. it's simply infatuation and admiration. and even if two people do like each other, there is no gurantee dat the bond dat they share is love. love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person. when you love someone, there is no way you could express it just by saying de three magical words, "I love you". for true love cannot simply be expressed through words. therefore, my conclusion is dat when someone says they love you, they are lying. love is an emotion dat cannot be expressed even through 1000 words, but only through actions and thoughts. only if someone shows care and concern for you, then they indeed, do love you.
do i love you?

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@9:50 PM.

yesterday i read of an article. it's about how a married couple of 13 years wif 2 kids cope wif their marriage. i super agree wif a sentence and dat is without trust there can't be love. i'm not sure if i still love X but wat i clearly noe is dat i no longer trust him le. i realised dat wat i have now of him is jus my dependence on him, and not love. i'm used to him by my side to remind me to take care of myself, used to him by my side to give me his support. i jus wish to get rid of my dependence on him as soon as possible coz it's realli torturous seeing him showing all these concerns to another girl. perhaps i'm jus being jealous but i'm a girl afterall.
thanks for always being there for me when i needed a shoulder.

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@9:07 AM.

Friday, March 21, 2008

went to had a real good hair cut today. dis time round i realli wana forget about de past and start everything anew. heard my sis say normally when people fallen out of love must go have a hair cut coz it means cutting away de history and start everything all over again. dis time, i not only went to cut my hair, i also went to rebon my hair. i wana cut away all de memories in de past and start my new life from now le. i realli hope dis time round i can realli put everything down and start wif my life however those nightmares are still coming back. how many sleepless nights am i going to have?! must i always must depend on medicine to make me sleep?! when can i realli get over it?! i'm realli veri tired le. i'm still sick. it's even more torturous. i realli want to find back my smiles.
i need more time.

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@7:06 PM.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

today is elvina's birthday! cheers~! haha! celebrated her birthday in a hawker centre! unique yea?! saw her using her mouth to pick up de candle suddenly thought me my birthday too! they are my unforgettable friends! love their company! lol! can't wait for next fri to arrive!
things jus came too late for us~

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@8:48 PM.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

my appeal is sucessfully! i had successfully transfer from engineering IT to IT le! yeah! haha! finally there's something dat can cheer me up le! ^^ can't wait for poly to start school! pretty emo today at work too. perhaps coz it's another rainy day ba?
only if time could go back.

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@7:17 PM.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

today is sianz dao~~~ lol! after lunch only left me and de 2 new guys le! sianz~ morning there's a patient birthday is 12mar. hais~ makes me remember of X again~ sianz again~ aiya! today is a terrible day for me!!!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@5:59 PM.

Monday, March 17, 2008

ah! went to see doctor finally after being sick for 3days. running fever le i still dun noe. lol! sneezing like nobody's business. haha! de cause of my illness is, no enough rest~ had a chat wif geraldine today. i realised a lot of things. god is veri fair de. when he gives you something, he will take away something from you. he will never harm his child. he must have noe dat i will be able to go through de pain of losing X and den he will let me go through. although de pain is piercing, i've learnt to grow up. without those cryings, how would i be able to grow neh? geraldine asked me another question, do i hate X and his gf now ma? my answer is a straight NO! i dun blame de both of them neither do i hate de both of them. she asked me again, do i blame myself? my answer is yesh. i blame myself for not being a good gf. i blame myself for not fulfilling his expectations. lastly she asked me, if one day he wana comes back to my side, will i accept him again? my answer is i dun noe. unless he's able to prove to me dat he's worth my trust, or i will not accept him into my life again. i think by den there's gonna be another guy in my life le ba?! i jus hope dat i won't meet another guy like X le ba?! one is jus enough for me to bear le.
i'm sorry~

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@6:18 PM.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

i'm super duper sick now! coughing, running nose, fever and sore throat! ah! luckily there was someone who was there for me! sorri to make you worry le! haha!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@12:14 PM.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

okie! went for movie yesterday after work wif min hun and his friend, wei xiong, ahbet, geraldine and elvina! too bad gary can't join us. de 2 new guys can't go either. ahah! all of us wore dress to work! cool~ de 2 new guys also reported for work yesterday le! wei xing followed me and joo heng followed gary! wei xing is such a shy boy! haha! enjoyed his company! hopes dat he remember to get his nails cut or else i'm gonna nag him non-stop le! i'm sick le! flu and serious sore throat! think is coz of de cold weather recently ba?! ohay! movie was soo soo ar! not realli dat worth it. a bit no meaning de. after de movie we girls went for last min shopping! siok ar! haha! geraldine finally bought her guess wallet! elvina too~! too tempted by de price le! i also gotten something for someone! we'll go for pool-ing session for our next outing! sudden urge to pool! haha! shall go clubbing one day too! loving my single life to de core! i can finally do watever i want le!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@8:42 AM.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

today quite emo de. maybe coz today is our 1st year anni ba. had lots of thoughts in my mind. think can only vent it here le. i'm not sure if X's gonna read my blog but i jus wana vent it all out.

all these while i had been thinking a lot a lot. there are realli a lot of questions in my mind after de break. i wana noe why can you forget all de memories we shared throughout dis 11months and jus say a breakup soo easily?! however, all i receive is only a sorri from you. i dun wana hear jus a sorri from you you noe ma?! wat i want is an answer! do you noe you hurt me deeply and painfully?! today saw kerox and his friends at polyclinic. they said many sarcastic words in front of me. you noe how terrible was i but yet i had to act strong. my heart hurts. it hurts really really a lot. how can you bring up breakup so easily?! why can you treat it as though nothing happen?! i know that life must still get on but isn't it too fast for you?! this makes me wonder what do i stand in your heart?! what does this relationship means to you?! haven't you realised that i had been crying since the day we broke up?! tears have been keep coming down without me noticing all these while. i'm sick but i don't receive a single concern from you. why is there such a big difference between before stead and after stead?! this even makes me wonder did i meet a wrong guy again?! how can you forget about those happy times we had and your promises so easily?! i still remember you told me dat we must follow mrs chan as our model. you promised me we will last long till our hair turns white but our relationship only lasted for 11months. you promised me you would not be like the other guys and will treat me well but you are treating me as though a stranger now. you promised will give me happiness but you hurt my heart the most now. you promised me you will love me forever but you had given up first. had you really forgotten all these promises you made to me? i'm really disappointed in you. i wanted put myself to hate you but i can't because i still love you. i do not want to hear your sorries. i just want to know why. why your feelings fade so easily?! why is our 11months of relationship so vulnerable and weak?! are those promises only sweet talks from you?! hais~ if choices have consequences den my consequence of choosing to trust you is myself to get hurt by you deeply.

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@6:04 PM.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

okie! i'm back! finally got my own laptop le, lenovo! ahaha! still not used to using windows vista! sis says i lose X but i gain a notebook! lol! went for my medical checkup today! nothing much happened too. jus waited veri long for my turn. haha! going out wif ahbet and min hun they all either dis fri or sat! watching dat horro movie, de 1st rule! first time watching horror movie sia! wonder how will my reaction be like? gonna pull min hun sit beside me! i can't wait to start school! excited and looking forward to how poly life will be like! ohya! yst thought things out le. since de break, i hated X. there are thousands and thousands of question in my mind. i wana have de answer particularly for dat question, wat had i done wrong he must treat me like dis?! kerox is right! i'm de most pathetic one. i'm de most pathetic one to be ditched by a guy like dis! all de while, i had been finding a reason to forgive him but i couldn't dat's why my mind is filled wif hatred! but now, i found dat reason le. it's coz i wana be dat sweet loving and forgiving child in god's eyes. i noe god doesn't want his child to be sad either. i wanted soo much a companion, a bf, dat's why i assumed dat X was de one for me. i was veri depressed after de break coz he was nice and liked me and dat's why i always thought he's gonna be my right. however, X's incident made me realised dat god wants me to noe dat X wasn't de one for me. although it might not be easy for me to realli put dis relationship behind me, i noe my friends are always there to give me their support. wif their support, i learnt to grow stronger. no doubt dat X had once killed dat kind and innocent jessica, but also coz of him, de new jessica has a new chance to revive!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@4:45 PM.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

received dao my enrolment package le! haha! orientation is on de 8th to 10th of april! starting school on de 14th of april! ohya! kudos to me coz i had moved on le! dis time i realli woke up le! no doubt dat you had hurt my heart deeply but i realised dat my crying is of no meaning to you anymore since you already gotton urself dat previous girl less den a week after de break. now i noe wat's de true reason behind it le. i strongly believe dat retribution will occur. how you treated me i believe it will return back to you one fine day. wat comes around goes around. afterall you are jus a coward and a childish person. dun even dare to pronounce you patched back coz you are afraid of public criticism uh huh! i still needa thanks for ur wakeup call ya! i realli wake up dis time le. you are such a disappointment and disgrace to me! i'm gonna live my life to de fullest from now onwards coz i dun owe you anything anymore!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@12:44 PM.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

i'm offically single le. sad also sad finish le. cry also cry finish le. pity also pity finish le. he's mine jiu shi mine de. if he's not mine no matter how much effort i put in, how long is our relationship, he's still not mine. hais~ anyway, it doesn't matter to me anymore le! jus realised dat dis 11months of relationship seems soo vulnerable and weak to you. you dun treasure it anyway soo wat for i needa hold on to it neh. i can't force myself to hate you but i can't forgive you either! you build a beautiful dream for me but you crushed it wif ur own hands! i jus dun understand why! hais~ doesn't matter to me le. i won't get answers for my doubts too. i jus wana be alone now. leave me alone.
i jus dun understand wat makes u change soo much. you hurt my heart deeply and painfully. do you noe i had been crying since de day we broke up. jus tearing every single night without fail. you jus walked out of my life like dis. jus another 10moredays! tell me, wat am i to you exactly?

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@6:18 PM.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

yesterday went celebrate my birthday wif my colleagues! haha! all girls~! too bad gary can't join us! went to taka and submit our timesheet after dat jiu walked down all de way from taka to the cathay for our dinner! decided to settle our dinner at a jap restaurant! loved jap food to de core! ahaha! they created a small surprise for me! ahbet and gerarldine pretended to go to de ladies, leaving me and elvina behind. we waited for them for around 30mins and wanted to settle de bill first coz we were at de restaurant realli long~ de waiters were already looking at us le! not long came ahbet and geraldine, surprising me wif a birthday cake! i was stunned dao~ den they sang de birthday soo loud ar! soo many people looking at me! super paiseh~ in de end payment time they dun let me pay! went to play pool at paradize after dinner! my pool skills are getting better and better! woo~ hao le shall wait for ahbet to send me de photos den zai upload coz we took realli realli many photos! looking at de 4 of us taking photos, i thought of de 4 of us in my cliques~ but, haiz~
treasured friends~!
unforgettable day~!
i'm sick of tired of you le! wat am i to you? a friend or a tool? can't find anyone jiu find me! i hate dis man! is it coz i never grumble before and you took it for granted? i think soo yea~ i'm afterall only a friend to you wat! wat a friend uh huh~! i had enough of you le! are you my REAL friend or is it my imagination of you to be one running while all de time~? i'm a fool!

what we could have been, ★ JESS™@8:03 AM.

I am who I am.
IMG_2965 JESS is how my friends addresses me.
I'm current 19 in de year of 2010. :)
I fell in love with BLUE & ORANGE. :)
ELMO is greatly loved by me. :)
I'm a PISCESgirl & TRAVELLING is my favourite.
I'm a Happi-Go-Lucky girl & my BFF is Miss蕙蕙. :)
I'm currently a Year3 IT student in NYP & I turned a year older at every 26o2.

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